Things Men Want for Christmas

Do you have a human being in your life that is also a man? Husband, father, brother, uncle, grandpa, cousin, boyfriend, friendly UPS deliveryman? Have you been agonizing about what gift to get him for Christmas? Well agonize no more! Here are a few items I'd recommend.

Sometimes, I look at my bedroom and think "How would I ever manage to evacuate all this stuff in the event of a fire?" 

Other times I think "If a tornado were to hit my bedroom, how much of this stuff would I spend time looking for?"

Understandably, the sight of my room causes me to think about natural disasters.




But there are a few select items I possess that I'd snatch in case of a fire and/or search miles of tornado-strewn debris to locate. These select objects serve me well, and they deserve to be recognized. (Not that praise make inanimate objects feel better about themselves.)

1. Kindle Paperwhite.

What started its life as a hasty purchase prior to a week-long mission trip has become a necessity that I carry around daily. I looked at the small skyscraper of books that I wanted to take along on my youth group's Phoenix mission trip, and I realized that I'd either have to go without books or take the books instead of half my clothing. Obviously, paying for a check-in bag was out of the question.

But I was informed that there was an alternative. "Why not buy an ebook reader? Those handy little devices have come quite a long ways, you know." So I set out to find an ebook device. There are many options out there for competitive prices, but I snatched up Kindle's newest little guy, the Paperwhite.

Unlike most tablets and smartphones that try to provide everything for you (including directions to the nearest kitchen sink), the Paperwhite isn't a confused 'crossover sedan SUV'. The Paperwhite has one job and it does it extremely well. You can read books on it, effortlessly. It has built-in Wifi so your books can be emailed directly to the device. It has a little backlight that lets you read in the bright sun or in the dark. And although it doesn't have apps, games, a speedy browser, or other doodads, it has a battery that lasts eight weeks.

EIGHT.

WEEKS.

Seriously, Jesus will quite possibly return for His faithful believers before you have to recharge your Kindle. I ended up traveling to Phoenix with a bag full of delicious snacks instead of a bag full of heavy books.

 Just like the written word, only lighter. 

Shown above is the Paperwhite in its dormant screensaver mode. The technology is similar to an Etch-a-Sketch, therefore no battery is being consumed during screensaver mode.

There's another feature on the Kindle that I've grown so attached to, I can't really remember how I lived without it. The built-in dictionary lets you look up the meaning of words while you read. You don't even have to exit the book and access the dictionary. All you have to do is hold your finger on the word, and a handy window will pop up with the definition. That's Man-Approved, because we like to read deep theological books but we hate admitting that some words are about as familiar to us as the Asteroid Belt. Never before has reading been so educational and enjoyable.

 The handiest.

This little guy holds all the places in my books without requiring me to tear scraps of paper off as bookmarks. I can adjust the settings for font, text size, spacing, and margins. I can easily toss hundreds of books on there and put them in folders of my choosing. Oh, and any book that is no longer in printing can be found for free. "So what." You may mutter. "That's like, old textbooks and musty manuscripts, right?" Incorrect! I have books by C.S. Lewis, Ted Dekker, Brian Jacques, Francis Chan, Michael Crichton, and one called "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins, which I think is a cook book or something. There are free Bible versions that you can download (NIV, ESV) but you'll have to pay if you want to be able to carry King James himself in your pocket.

 The Paperwhite has 20 brightness settings, which comes in handy 

when I want to read during power outages or when it's past my bedtime.

The Kindle has already irreversibly changed how I read, and I didn't realize it until recently. My brother Shelby was driving me to see all the beautiful, breathtaking vistas that Oregon has to offer, and I observed his delightful tour by burying my face in a book I was trying to finish before returning home. (Because it was the only copy on the earth, I guess?) Shelby was kind and didn't throw the regular paper-and-glue book out the window, which would have been a reasonable response. Instead, he watched in confusion as I tried tapping that same paper-and-glue book to get it to advance to the next page. In shock at my technology dependence, I nearly vowed to sell my Kindle. But then I surmised that the real problem here is that regular books require so much energy to read.

2. Duluth Trading Co. Firehose Pants. 


Work pants made tough and durable, backed by a fantastic warranty, completely loaded with pockets, warm and comfortable, water repellant...practically what every man daydreams about. These pants are all that and quite a bit more. 

Have you ever had a pair of jeans (or a skirt, I guess?) that you found at the thrift store that Fit. Just. Perfect. and they're already worn in and so comfortable that you often make them pull double-duty as pajamas? Hm, maybe just me. I've been wearing these magnificent Firehose pants for a few weeks now, which reminds me that I should probably take them off and wash them. They're 'worn-in comfortable' fresh out of the box thanks to genius innovations like the "Comfortable Crouch Gusset" (don't blame me if your dirty mind just read that incorrectly!) which is just fancy terminology for extra, stretchable fabric in places male humans need it most. (Okay, you can blame me for that.)

Last week, we were installing a furnace in my friend's house. I was wearing my Firehose pants, bustling around the basement. I miscalculated my flexibility when I whisked past the furnace and ended up scraping along a sharp metal edge. I felt more than heard a terrifying r-r-i-i-i-p-p. Thankfully, it was only my knee skin that was torn, and the pants were completely undamaged. Boy these pants are tough! Skin I can regrow, but these pants are valuable.

When I saw there was an incredible limited-time 25% discount on the pants, I bought another pair. You should do the same, in the size your father, husband, or boyfriend wears. Use the promotion code "Festive", and don't blame me when he puts the pants on and never removes them again.

If your man has too many pairs of work pants (is that even possible?), then eyeball the other things Duluth Trading Company has to offer. Your man will most likely appreciate just about anything they have to offer. Socks, hats, boots, gloves, coats, t-shirts, flannel-lined jeans, and more. I've got a pair of their Buck Naked underpants coming my way, and I have great expectations for them.

3. A wrist watch.

If a tornado were to hit me while I slept (highly unlikely, I'm a light sleeper and I love staying up late to monitor storms) and I were somehow separated from my watch, I'd definitely go out and search for my missing arm so I could recover it. The watch, of course! Oh, and the arm, if it was salvageable.

The moment cellular phones stopped being the size of a backpack, many people ditched their watches because hey, why do I need a watch when my phone has a clock on it? For many reasons, that's why. I check my watch dozens of times a day. How long does it take you to pull out your phone and check the time on it? That's right, you have no idea how long it takes because you don't have a watch. Buy your manfriend something tough and simple, like the Timex I have. I never remove it. Before you scold me for being "super grody", remember that I never remove it, so it gets a thorough cleaning every time I shower. Oh yeah, make sure to get your man a waterproof watch. I have taken my watch off before, and it's entirely unsettling. I feel naked and exposed without it, checking my bare wrist every hour or so and thinking, "What DAY is it?!" (As I glance at my watch now, I'm startled to see that it is currently the FIFTH OF DECEMBER WHO HIT THE FAST-FORWARD BUTTON. Gracious.)

There are many watches out there that will do a splendid job, and you'll get the side benefit of having a man around that can tell you what time it is. But not EVERY watch is advisable.

No. For the sake of humanity, please allow Swiper to have this watch.

 

No. This is an alternate cellphone that requires excessive charging.

Yes. This is an acceptable specimen that will serve faithfully for years on a single battery.

A watch may not give me important reminders about upcoming events, but it tells the time accurately without fuss. Some humans say "Watches just feel weird on my arm." Wear one for three days, and you'll be completely used to it. Unless it's the size of Rhode Island or covered in spiky little charms or something.

4. A fine set of razors.

Since the day my cousin Trent taught me how to tear hair out of my face with a thin piece of steel, I  have always shaved with bargain razors. That is, I have until recently. I had heard of Dollar Shave Club but held out on trying them til I ran out of el cheapo razors. That event coincided with the end of No Shave November, so I signed up for DSC's $6/month plan. It's a subscription-based membership, but way cooler than that sounds. They ship you out a razor handle, then send you packs of disposable razor heads each month (or every other month, if you have a face like mine that refuses to grow hair).

It's one of the easiest transactions I've ever encountered. Pick your razor, then submit a shipping address and billing information. Do you want those blades every month, or every other month? Done. No shipping cost; that's included in the cost of the razors.

I've never used a fancy razor before, so this has taken me to new and exciting frontiers. A friend asked me what I thought about the blades, and I said it felt like shaving with an F-22 Raptor.  (Trust me, men like the idea of shaving their face with a $150 million fighter jet.)  When I got the package and used the razor, I was astonished with how nice decent razors feel. Why have I been using a rusty tin can lid for so long? But I think what tickles me most is how little I'm spending. Sure, you can pick up a nice razor for under $10, but the astronomically expensive replacement cartridges are what get you. Sign your man up for some nice shaves right here. Then go here to chuckle about how many dollars you're saving.


So here's what we can take away from all this.

Men are fairly simple when it comes to buying gifts for them. Men get excited that you'd even think to buy something for them, so you can hardly go wrong.

You could have just followed these handy gift ideas instead of braving floods of greed-filled humanity during Berserk Friday. But that's alright, you had no idea I was going to blog these tasty Life Shortcuts.

Next on Things Humans Want for Christmas, I'll blog about what women want.

On second thought, I won't.

I have no idea what women want for Christmas, so you, dear readers, will just have to clue me in.