Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Potty Ponderings

EDIT: Oh my. Time sneaks out the second-story window when I'm not looking. I wrote the draft for this blog about a year and a half ago and neglected to finish it until now.

I was about to write a quick comment on Emily Smucker's blog post but my comment started to get out of hand so I changed it into a post. (Other humans have that problem too, right?) If you haven't read her post about a strange bathroom encounter, you probably should right now. Seeing how she sends a large quantity of traffic to my blog, odds are you're coming from there and have already read it. 

Upon finally finding the bathroom, Emily discovered toilet paper with little cartoon characters printed on the the sheets. I've heard of toilet paper with Osama Bin Laden's face embossed on it, because evidently that is the highest dishonor we could think to bestow on that (now deceased) terrorist leader. Now they're placing cartoon characters on toilet paper? Questionable.

Some of the Terrorist TP rolls are emblazoned with catchy phrases like, 
"If he wants to attack, he can start with my crack!"

Have you ever played the game "Things"? It has a jillion little cards that have questions/phrases on them. Upon your turn, you read one of the cards. Everyone else anonymously writes a response. The goal is to determine who wrote which response. For instance, we recently played when the card "Things you wish were invented but don't exist." popped up. Some of the various responses were "Teleporter", "Healthy junk food", "a Freezer-wave" (the opposite of a Microwave), and "prehensile tails for humans." That last one was written by my roommate Shane.

I was playing with a group of friends when a card read "Things that Annoy You about Men". The responses were hilarious and fairly alarming. How have men survived extinction so long when 92% of our mannerisms bother and/or annoy women? One female friend wrote, "They pee everywhere." This is true. Guys are not encumbered with the necessity of finding clean facilities when there are perfectly acceptable trees to use. When I say trees, I also mean bushes, back yards, ravines, prairies, creeks, and any large expanse of wilderness. When I start to think about it, I realize what a nasty habit it is. So I try not to think about it and instead retort that "girls are just jealous." Although that's illogical, because girls are never jealous of things that guys do, right?

My little niece Jocelyn is making excellent progress in her potty training, although I feel sorry for her. Getting the convenience of Pampers taken away slowly is probably equivalent to having all of your remotes and thermostats removed from your house. Imagine having to actually walk all the way to the TV to turn it on, or all the way to the furnace to start it. Walking ALL THE WAY to the bathroom seems so....2013. This is the future, for goodness sakes! Why can't Pamper technology keep up?

Imagine how much time we could save if we all wore Pampers?

Conversely, imagine how smelly the world would be.

I changed my mind. Stop imagining. There are some things that are better off unimaginable.