Who is This Momentary Logic Chap I May or May Not Have Heard About?

Thank you for reading my blog. That's very kind of you.

But have you ever paused to wonder, "Whose eclectic, disjointed, off-the-wall thoughts and ideas am I subconsciously absorbing through my eyeballs?" No? A pity.

Even if you WEREN'T curious, allow me to give you a tiny bit of insight. Of course, since I'm talking about myself, I can say whatever I want, right? Well, yes.

So instead, I'll copy that one time I was interviewed by a much cooler blogger than myself, one Emily Smucker. She ceased her blogging in August 2013 and the wails of despair from faithful followers can still be heard. Once upon a time, she interviewed several people for a series of articles on her blog, and I was one of them.

If you've already read her article on me, then this is a whole heap of Repost, the less attractive brother of Compost. I'm glad you read (past tense, unfortunately) Emily's blog, because she's an all-around Nice Human Being. Emily's version of this interview has her own particular flavor added to it, so on that account, mine will be slightly different. (AKA: waaaaaay more information that you wanted or needed to know.)

Emily sent me twenty questions by email, and I responded with twenty answers by email. That's my favorite style of interview, since it gives me plenty of time to choose my words and sound witty, things I'm incapable of doing during a live interview. I was clearing out my email inbox when I came across this exchange of information (which goes to show how seldom I clean out my email inbox) and had this "EUREKA!" moment where, instead of dollar signs, I saw pre-written material already processed into blog format. Those of you that blog will know what that feels like.

I'll post the questions exactly as they were given to me, and the answers exactly as I gave them in return. The eagle-eyed among you will notice that some of my answers will be different than the ones posted in Emily's blog. Graber humans are not known for brevity, and I'm no exception. Emily did a fantastic job editing my long-winded responses, which was probably a hint of some sort that I completely overlooked.

Oh, and please keep in mind that the Shawn answering these questions was a few years younger, as exhibited in question/answer #2.

Emily Smucker: Hello Mr. Graber.

Here is the premise of this interview: I ask questions, you answer them with the ego of a famous person. I ask for truth, but allow a bit of creative exaggeration if the situation calls for it...that is, if it will make the interview more interesting. My readers love scandal, so penciling some of that in would be a plus.

Before I begin, let me thank you exceedingly for allowing a lowly reporter such as myself the pleasure of interviewing you! It is an honor I will not take for granted, Mr. Sir.


Thank you for taking the time to do this interview. I anticipate and appreciate hearing back from you. Soon is good. :-)
-Emily Smucker, Journalist. 

Shawn Graber: I'm honored to be a part of this interview, Ms. Smucker. My busy schedule hardly allows for luxuries such as sitting down with a nice young lady and talking about myself, so when those opportunities arise, I take them.

Your readers like scandal, eh? What crowds do you run with, Ms. Smucker? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be ANSWERING questions, not asking them.

1. What is your full name?1. My full name is Sir Shawn Barry Graber IV, Junior, Esquire. Just kidding. It's Shawn Barry Graber.

2. What is your age?
2. My age is 22. See, how simple was that? There's a certain gender out there in the world (and I won't name which one it is) that throws a fit when this question is asked. It seems to me that those people are ashamed of the accumulation of years that the Good Lord has allowed them to live.



3. What is your official job title?
3. I'm the Office Manager at Graber Heating and Air Conditioning, Inc.

4. What is your unofficial job title?
4. I'm also an HVAC apprentice, secretary, accountant, deliveryman, babysitter, and janitor. The perks (and drawbacks) of a small family business. :) If I were to give myself an unofficial title, it would be Sir Myriad. For obvious reasons.

5. What is the most dangerous and/or illegal thing you have ever done?
5. Your journal is read by questionable characters, and you want me to tell you the most dangerous/illegal thing I've done? For shame. Okay, you've talked me into it. I like to drive my car with my head sticking out of the sunroof. I'm tall enough that I can still reach the accelerator. And the brakes, too. I never drive very fast this way, because if I were to get rear-ended, it would most likely chop my head off. That, coupled with my possession of a blue rotating light and my unnerving attraction to all things explosive, most likely has me on every government watchlist there is. As for the other illegal things...we'll just have to talk off-the-record sometime. 

6. How about those Yankees?
6. They're cool. Or not. I don't really hate them, nor do I love them. That sums up the relationship I have with MLB. I had only sat through two full games of Major League baseball before my first cousin Brandon Beachy began to pitch for the Atlanta Braves. Since then, I've watched a handful of his games and surprisingly enjoyed it. It was nice that 1) I have no affiliation with other teams and 2) Iowa doesn't have a MLB team, so I can now cheer on the Braves without feeling guilty inside.

7. If you could re-do any event in your life, what would it be and why?
7. Now this question implies that I regret things done in my life. And who are you to say I have had regrets! Well I have. But I dare say I wouldn't go back and change a thing, because even the slightest change in my history would mean I'd have an entirely different "now". And I like where I'm at right now. Besides, I'm just getting a grasp on my life and all its complex ramifications, so why would I want to go and change pivotal events in my life?

P.S. If this question was posed by [my brother] Shelby, I would totally go back in time and not kick him in the head.

8. What is the most awkward thing you have ever said to a girl you were not dating and/or in an "its complicated" relationship with?
8. All relationships with me are complicated, just because of the personality I possess. Even my manfriends have difficulties. This is mainly because I have a very short attention span and an even shorter memory bank. Many of my friends patiently sit through stories that I tell for the 3rd or 4th time. With that being said, you can only imagine how awkward I can make things for nice ladies. I try my best to be clear and straightforward with women, so they know where I stand. But it feels sorta weird saying "I like hanging out with you, but I'm not looking for a relationship with you." to a girl. I have done this twice, and it doesn't get less weird.
 Now, that's what comes to mind for myself when you ask that question, but in reality, I most likely say deeply embarrassing things to women every conversation I have. I have a really broad comfort zone when it comes to conversation.



9. Why do people climb mountains?
9. Since this article is all about me, I'll change the question to "Why have you climbed mountains, Shawn?" And the answer is, "Because a whole pile of people wanted to do it and I went along for the ride." I do not go out of my way to climb mountains. I climbed one of the Three Sisters(?) Mountains in Oregon with a group, and that was very enjoyable. I climbed Pike's Peak in Colorado in the back of a 15-passenger van and got altitude sickness. Most of the mountains I ascend have handy ski-lifts installed on them.

10. If you could be a character in a movie, who would you be and why?
10. What do you mean, IF I could be a character? I already am! Well, in my brain, at least. I could fit a lot of different roles, and I really think I could be good. I love acting, which isn't hard to see if you know me or anyone else in my family.  *coughShelley coughShelby coughShane coughcough* In all reality, I could see myself as a cross between Jim Carrey, Jon Heder, Jack Black, Matt Damon, and Liam Neeson. Okay, so I may have just listed some of my favorite actors. But I like their roles...

11. What is the most interesting book you have read recently? 11. I'm currently reading several books. The Shack, by William P. Young, is a very fascinating read and should be sought out immediately. The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks is also fascinating in its own fictional way. As I read it, I can see myself using some of the tips while dealing with my siblings.

12. If I gave you three bucks to spend at the dollar store, what would you buy?
12. I don't think I've ever been to a "Dollar Store", so I will list what I'd use $3 on in various locales.
Walmart: 2/3rds of a 12-pack of Diet A&W Cream Soda
Goodwill: Some cool little plastic toys or several t-shirts, since you can never have enough grungy t-shirts with which to do yard work.
McDonalds: Either a large french fry (totally my Kryptonite) or 2 McDoubles without the bun and a small fry (mini version of my Kryptonite).
BestBuy: PBBPTPTTHPTHTBBBPTH! That was me spitting in mirth. $3 at BestBuy is about as useful as an oar on a battleship.
Central Discount: I could probably get a shopping cart of goodies for $3 at our local "Amish Walmart". I love everything about that place, except for the other customers, who not only take the last items I want, but also eyeball me up and down like I'm going to take items out of their cart. (Which, honestly, I have considered. Seriously, do they need TWENTY boxes of the only cereal I wanted?) Do I want 25 lbs of chunky peanut butter? Check. Enough baked beans to feed the French Foreign Legion? Check. Pickled Cactus in Light Brine by the gallon? Check. Dented bottles of Gatorade? Obscure barbecue sauces? Bacon & Cheddar chips in family-sized bags? Pudding and candy bars way past its Sell-By date? INDEED.

13. Tell me one thing about yourself you wouldn't want me to know.
13. There are many things I don't want you to know about me, but since you said "one", I get to choose. (I see what you're doing here, by the way. If I didn't want you to know it, I just wouldn't tell. But again, I have a broad comfort zone in conversation. This has led to my downfall/embarrassment several times.) There is a mole on my chest that has recently changed from an endearing light brown color to a scary, not-so-endearing red color. I'm sorta worried about it, and I should probably have it checked since I've read about moles and if they change size, color, texture, location, hair density, itchiness, etc, I am to notify a doctor or physician STRAIGHT AWAY. (I hope you're happy, Ms. Smucker. You have brought this dreadful information upon yourself.)

14. What is your biggest fear?
14. As a Christian, I know that God has not given us the spirit of fear. I pride myself on my lack of fear around reptiles and (most) spiders. There is a small hive of wasps building a military complex on the sill between my front door and the screen door. I am not worried. (I am also lazy, and haven't got around to killing the buggers.) I'm also a huge fan of precarious heights. I love towers, silos, grain elevators, ladders, balconies, etc.
  But I'm afraid of deep water. Especially deep, murky water with a history of containing large animals that snack on humans. When I say deep I don't mean "Ohmysakesalive I caannn't touchhhhh the bottommmmmmmmm!" I mean 40 feet or deeper. That's scary. If I had a SCUBA tank at my disposal, it would be an entirely different matter. If it was 10 feet deep with a strong current, I'd be a little worried as well. If I was in one of those shark feeding cages with a giant chunk of meat and a SCUBA tank, I would be wetting my wetsuit not in fear, but in total excitement. So If I boil all this down, I think I fear being unprepared. And that's pretty much where most boys get scared, right?

15. Do you like tea parties if they are manly enough?
15. BRING ON THE TEA! I'd totally dig a tea party. I like to dress up if what I'm dressing in cannot be described as "delicate" or "frilly".

16. Who is someone that you Facebook stalk and wish you could meet?
16. If I come across a Facebook Friend that I don't really know and haven't met in real life, I tend to unfriend them. But there's a dude named Dan McClanahan that I would love to meet. Him and his wife are photographers and they do excellent work, while also being the funniest couple alive.
  I bet you were hoping I stalk GIRLS and want to meet them in real life. I am sorry to disappoint you. I'm currently being stalked by a bevy of 14 year old girls and I'm considering adding that situation to my list of fears. Why don't girls MY age behave this way toward me?

17. What is the weirdest food that you love?17. Being a celiac, I eat a lot of food that other people do not. There are these Oreo-like cookies made by Kinnickinnick that I really love, but other people have nearly died tasting them. I can't really count that kind of food though, since almost everybody loves Oreos and I'm just in love with a cardboardy, aftertasty, dust-in-the-mouthy wannabee cookie. So as for weird food that anybody could eat, it would have to be mountain lion meat. I love it. Or deer heart, which is fantastic. My roommate [Victor] has got me hooked on barbecue bacon, which is simple and delicious. Pour barbecue sauce on bacon as you fry it. The slimy, greasy awesomeness that results is most likely a one-way-ticket to heaven. So, win-win. Or, lose-win-win, the "lose" part being that I'm now really hungry thanks to you, and there's no bacon within reach of my seat.

18. What do you want written on your tombstone?18. A limerick. I love limericks. Perhaps something along the lines of
"There was an old geezer from Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth
He was married, they say
On his wife's wedding day
And he died when he quitted this earth."

19. Describe the worst first date you can imagine.19. Going into a diabetic coma during the date would be pretty horrible. The quickest way to revive someone that has collapsed into a diabetic coma is to administer a giant dose of glucagon by injection. The glucagon instructions direct you to inject the dose into the buttocks. Now, the needle is large enough it can be injected THROUGH clothing but I don't wish to have a girl I hardly know inject glucagon into my rear. This is a serious issue, because dating makes me nervous enough, so I wouldn't be able to distinguish the difference between "first-date shaky hands" and "low-blood sugar shaky hands". Unless the date was going bad already, then a diabetic coma would be a handy escape. "I'm really sorry about dumping all that coolade on your favorite shirt. Please continue talking about your 60 zillion cats that live inside your house!" *thud*

20. In closing, give a nice closing-worthy piece of advice.
20. There are some people that go through life asking "Why?" when various situations come up. If you look at situations and say "Why not!" instead, you'll find yourself getting a lot more excitement and a lot more trouble in your life. So I don't necessarily encourage you to say "Why not!" to everything, but if it passes a few qualifications (such as, Does this activity hurt/offend others? No. Does this activity go against teachings in the Bible? No.), then by all means. Go flood-mudding! Go sleep on a sandbar! Go snatch your friend's vehicles and relocate them a few blocks away when they're getting ice cream!
-Shawn Graber, famous person

That concludes today's edition of "Who is this questionable Momentary Logic author?"

What are your answers to these questions, dear readers? I'd like to hear them.