I set my alarm for 8:09pm exactly because it doesn't take more than a few seconds to look at a watch. I silenced the alarm while quickly glancing at my wrist. To my dismay, I witnessed 08:09:12, 13, 14, 15. I suppose that's what I get for not synchronizing my watch with my phone.
The tenth second was more that just a cog in an orderly string of numbers. It marked the close of an auction I held on my Facebook wall.
"What on earth were you auctioning?" You might ask.
"Oh, you know. Nothing strange. Just my facial hair." I'd reply.
Most of you, dear readers, are already friends with me on Facebook. But some of you are not, so I'll recount the details of the auction.
On November 10th, I posted this photo on my Facebook with the following caption:
Like I had hoped, my friends enthusiastically began to bid. But did they stay within the parameters of the auction? Of course not. These are my friends, after all, and they're nearly as crazy as me. Posted below is the comment thread for the auction. To preserve the quotations, I have not altered spelling or punctuation. (At least I've tried not to. Sometimes my Grammar OCD flares up uncontrollably.)
"I'll raise it to 0.10 let it grow"
-Dan Borntreger
"If I give you 2 dollars will you shave rap lyrics on your head"
-Josiah Stone
"Nevin said he will give you $5 if you shave everything BUT the lip-weasel. :)"
-Natalie Bontrager
"Clean shaved is the way to go! That's my 5 cents."
-Rosey Nisly
"Josiah, that's a tempting offer. $2 is serious cash. Rosey, does that mean you're willing to bid $5.05 to beat Nevin's ridiculous-yet-exceedingly-delicious offer?"
-Shawn Graber
"Yep, what Natalie said is true. Keep the weasel!"
-Nevin Bontrager
"It would be well spent..."
-Rosey Nisly
"Is it worth $5.10 to you, Nevin? Because that's what you'll have to bid in order to preserve the Weasel Stache."
-Shawn Graber
"I will bump Nevin's to $5.10 if it includes shaving your eyebrows."
-Jordan Shebek
"How long does the bidding go? Will $5.25 keep you from shaving your head?"
-Rosey Nisly
"The top bid gets to determine the fate of my facial hair, not my head hair. I'll be leaving those attached. Bidding goes until 8:09:10pm tomorrow, because that will go nicely with 11/12/13. Jordan, shaving my eyebrows would effectively remove 92.6% of my facial expressions and scare off all of Graber Heating's faithful customers, so I'll pass."
-Shawn Graber
"But that's cheating! Eye brows are totally facial hair.
Besides!! You can just where a hipster beanie over your forhead when seeing customers.
OR you can say you encountered crazy things in Africa
Or tell them someone payed you to do it
Or say you're raising awareness for cancer patience who have to lose their eyebrows in chemo
Or you can tell them you didn't get to properly enjoy the scariness of halloween and thus you must participate now
Or you can shave them off and paint them on with a permanent marker when you visit your customers.
You have no excuse."
-Fern Kohl
"Don't forget my eyelashes. I obviously have no excuse to keep them, either.
'No-Shave November' encompasses the beard, soul patch, mustache, and sideburns. Those are considered "groomed facial hairs." Nobody says, "FOR THIS MONTH, I WILL GROW MY EYEBROWS TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR CANCER." Although now that I think about it, we could totally make a sweet event about it. "Raise Your Eyebrows for the Cure."
My eyebrows are free spirits; little wooly mammoths that roam the northern plains of Mt. Shawn. They shall not be poached."
-Shawn Graber
"Wooly mammoths were created to be poached. Obvs it was God's will because they are now extinct. I vote poach the eyebrows."
-Fern Kohl
(Upon receiving this comment, I sent Fern this link.)
"Please do not use God to invoke poor logic. Also I have seen a number of people with drawn-on eyebrows, but shave as you please"
-Jordan Shebek
"Dudes. Ladies. Listen to me, Having recently received my doctorate in Beardology, I now plead my right to opinion? What does the Bible say, anyway? "I will shave with a hired razor..." Obviously, the beard has to go. And uh... Shawn? You can hire the razor for $5, plus shipping and handling. It's a great deal, trust me."
-Hannah J. Alexander
"Shawn, stay true to no shave November. For principle. $6."
-Jon Horst
It was looking like Jon's bid was going to be the last one, and I was all on beard, er, board with him. Finally, a sensible offer! His poignant statement drove the eloquent declaration: "If you can't stay true to the manly traditions passed down over the generations of faithful beard-growers by principle alone, at least accept this phenomenal bribe."
Yesterday evening, the auction was drawing to a close. I was hosting my Men's Bible Study at my place. In an unforeseen move, Nevin quickly placed a final, verbal bid. Because it was witnessed in the company of Bible study, I counted it as legal and added it to the auction commentary.
"This auction has drawn to a close. Thank you all for participating! Moments before 8:09:10pm, Nevin Bontrager submitted a private bid (since he's currently sitting in my living room).
His wager: $7.00 to shave everything
BUT my mustache for
November.
His bid was witnessed by Ryan Bacon, Jordan Shebek, Kendal Schlabach, and Christian Miller.
Thank you, my crazy Facebook friends, for making this so enjoyable. For those of you who did not win the bid, please feel free to send your spare change to me anyway. :)"
-Shawn Graber
I thought that would be the close, but an hour later, there was a frantic reply.
"Wait, wait, PLEASE don't shave your head. I will send you 10.00 seriously, and the look on your face says you really don't want to do that. I know I'm probably to late. Lol !!!"
-Natalie Kauffman (not to be confused with Natalie Bontrager)
And then, minutes after that:
"Oh good looks like the hairs on your head are safe. Sorry I missed the post about keeping the hairs on you head."
-Natalie Kauffman
Our Bible study came to a close and I promptly shaved everything but the little mustache seedlings hiding under my nose. Nevin left before I finished shaving, so he hasn't seen the fruits of his crafty bidding yet. I have yet to receive his $7, but in the remote chance he does NOT pay, I'll just shave my little nostril sweater off and go clean-shaven like I planned in the first place.
Thank you, dear Facebook friends, for humoring me. I had way too much fun with this.
For you men (and women?!) growing your hair for No-Shave November, I commend you. I might be a wee bit jealous of your beard-growing capabilities. (Honestly, some women are able to grow beards better than me.) Someday my face might wake up and say, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to grow hair or something!" But I won't hold my breath.
Buzzfeed's title-heavy article "19 Painful Truths Only Guys Who Can't Grow Beards Will Understand" explains my situation very well. The article has some coarse language in it, so I won't post a link to it.
I'll end this post with a few photos, for posterity's sake.
Well, only 17 more days to go before I can stop frightening children.
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