My Roommate Got Married So I Guess He's Moving Out

I wrote this post backwards, partially by mistake. Travel back in time with me as I recount the past weekend.

Sunday, September 15th: Grandpa built a deep fat fryer to end all fryers. He and Grandma put it to good use whipping up the best gluten-free fried chicken I've ever had in my entire life. We started this fantastic tradition last year, so I was very glad to attend this year's gathering.

My brother Shane, eating a gluten-free apple fritter in a seductive manner.

Sweet, crispy fritters, I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you.

This is how one properly eats fried chicken when one is trying diligently to prevent splattering grease on one's clothing. "Why are you so dressed up for a family reunion?!" You may ask, as did my relatives. Well, I was too lazy to change from the previous day's activities, which takes me to

Saturday, September 14th:

Shane Schwartz, my childhood friend, just got hitched to the apple of his eye, Alaynna. I miss him already, but that's pretty silly because it's not like I'll never see him again, right? Married people have loads of free time to hang out. :)

Shane moved most of his stuff in the week prior to the wedding, and as his move progressed, I slowly realized how much of his stuff I was using. Like the coffee table. And the computer desk. So now I have my desktop perched on the dining room table as a temporary bandaid until a suitable computer desk/table can be located.

I'm pretty excited that if Shane and Alaynna decide to return from their honeymoon, they'll be living just a mile or two from me. In the meantime, I get to babysit Nigel and Mitzy. When Shane finally decides to take his dogs, I'll petition for joint custody.

The wedding was simple but very elegant. Shane told me it was going to be "a gypsy wedding" and I had no idea what to expect. I was pretty surprised to find out that a gypsy wedding looks exactly like a stylish wedding with lots of color.

Shane and Alaynna asked me to be their emcee at the reception, which was held outdoors at Rodney & Jodi's. I snapped a few photos in the moments I wasn't blathering on the mic. I got to announce all the exciting events, such as the "Poopity Corn and Nachos" and a "Pickle Toss". Instead of tossing a bouquet to the girls and a garter to the boys, Shane and Alaynna tossed dill pickles. Tanisha Stutzman caught the girls' pickle and then stole the boy's pickle, so I ran over and wrestled it from her in a gentlemanly, totally polite way. I wasn't entirely sure how to preserve my Wedding Pickle so I disposed of it. I considered eating it but it had rolled on the ground due to an unexpected between-the-legs toss from Shane, which is how it got past all us young men and into Tanisha's hands.

On the night Shane met Alaynna, a small group of us were sitting in Kalona on the sidewalk outside the Coffee Shop. The conversation turned to weddings, and we were talking about little details we wanted at our weddings. Alaynna declared that she wanted elephants and zebras at her wedding. Evidently zoo theft is frowned upon, (viewed to be similar to swiping an antique painting!) so I brought some coloring pages instead. Alaynna also mentioned she wanted people to throw radishes instead of rice upon their departure, but I had forgotten about that part until Kerri reminded me. Kerri waited to remind me til AFTER the wedding and before the reception. We considered buying radishes and dicing them (because we're not completely evil) , but there wasn't any time.

So now they're on their honeymoon in [redacted for security] and they'll be back on [insert date here].

Friday, September 13th:

A few days before August began, I challenged my brother Shaylon to read 1,000 pages in 1 month. For a prize, I promised we'd get some delicious grub at Buffalo Wild Wings. In response, Shaylon started burning through books faster than a groundhog in a garden. He read the entire Chronicles of Narnia and, since school started halfway through August, read some books for Literature. He read close to 1,100 pages in 31 days. On Friday, we went out to eat together. Shaylon and I both got loads of wings and shared a basket of French fries. [Insert photo of a sauce-covered pair of Graber boys] I asked him about book reading and the 1,000-page assignment. He said it was tough, but the reward was worth it. We played some trivia games and then afterward I took him to a gun show in Cedar Rapids.

Now you may think I'm completely stark raving mad, but I'd recommend taking your kids/siblings to gun shows. Gun shows are very family-friendly. The police officers, guests, booth owners, staff, EVERYONE is extremely polite. The distributors are charming and helpful and completely alright with letting strangers get their sticky fingers all over the merchandise.

We spent an hour and a half there. Shaylon was completely fascinated with the 37mm flare launcher and the display case full of bayonets. We walked past rows and rows of handguns, shotguns, rifles, spare parts, accessories, scented candles, relics, knives, gun cases, exotic shotgun rounds, clips and magazines, potent bug sprays, war memorabilia, and more. Admission was $7 for adults but Shaylon got in for a dollar. Because I'm a nice older brother, I told him I'd pay his admission to any gun show he attended. Because I'm a Mennonite, I added the clause: until his 13th birthday when he would be considered an adult.

I returned to the weekend gun show on Saturday morning with my manfriends Christian and Brooks. Here Christian examines ammunition prices. His face tells you exactly how exciting those prices were.

In this photo, I'm holding a firearm I have long admired: the Fabrique Nationale PS90. Straight out of science fiction, it fires the rare and delicious 5.7x28mm round. If it weren't for the 5.7x28's outrageously steep price, I'd be saving my pennies for a PS90.


Thursday, September 12th:

My brother Shelby came out for the wedding, and he arrived just in time to join Dad and I for our golf outing. The annual event is hosted by Plumbers Supply, a company we purchase our duct, water heaters, and other various supplies through. I'm pretty horrible at every type of golf that isn't Miniature, but I really enjoy it. My friend Brooks happens to be awesome at golf, so we took him along to bail us out. The weather was beautiful. Much cooler than the previous week, with a hearty breeze and plenty of sunshine. 

Halfway through the course, I finally managed to properly introduce my golf ball to the face of my driver. With the wind blowing against us, my ball cruised out to 200 yards and landed on the fairway. It was the farthest I've ever hit a golf ball WHILE being able to find it. (Who knows, maybe that ball I crushed into the deep woods went 300 yards? With the help of a squirrel?) Brooks hit his golf ball much further, but I didn't let that minor detail dampen my victory dance.

This monstrous tree is right in the fairway of one of the golf holes. 

I love large trees. I quietly pondered on the best way to remove the tree, put it in our minivan undetected, and transplant it in my yard. 

We played "Scramble" golf, which means all four of us would tee off, then proceed to the best-placed shot. We would all hit from that location, and continue in the same fashion. We also played by the "Two-putt rule", which stated that after you landed on the green, you would putt to try sinking it in one shot, but in the event you missed, you just added one more stroke and called it good. There is no better way to play golf than this. We finished the day with a score of -3. Most sports frown upon negative scores, but not golf. The negativier, the better. Our score put us in the 2nd Flight of four flights, but not high enough to garner prizes, so our two-year prize-scoring streak was broken.

At the end, we were fed a giant meal and our names were put into a drawing for door prizes.
"For the $50.00 cash prize..." the staff announced, "Our winner is Shelby Graber!"

We cheered and Shelby sheepishly got up and snatched his winnings. We told Shelby he deserved the $50 because he was the #1 candidate for "Most Responsible Money-Spender" in that room full of beer-chugging plumbers.

"Now for our $75.00 cash prize.."

Roughly 120 of us waited anxiously as they grabbed a name from the basket.

He pulled out a name. Brooks saw it. The name was Shawn Graber.

One staff member whispered to another, "We just had a Graber. Pick another."

They put my name back and picked SOME OTHER DUDE.

I was pretty bummed about it. Next year, I'm changing Shelby's last name to Porkbuns on the admission paperwork. That way, he can win his prize without ruining my chances for sweet cash.

It was a wonderful day though. Taking a Thursday off to golf and eat food was excellent.

As soon as I returned from the golf outing, I turned around and met with some manfriends to take Shane Schwartz out to eat for his bachelor party. We went to Red's Alehouse in North Liberty, where I discovered truly delicious gluten-free flat breads. Despite being stuffed from the meal at the golf tournament, I ate the medium-pizza-sized flat bread, along with a large portion of bacon cheese fries and a couple of Dilly Bars. The suffering I endure for my friend's sake!

Afterward, upon Shane's request, we diligently scoured Netflix for a good kung-fu action movie, but were sorely disappointed when we couldn't find one that we hadn't already seen twice. So by complete chance, we ended up watching possibly the most hilarious, ridiculous, strange, awesome movie ever created: Iron Sky. You'll need a significant lack of maturity to enjoy it, but it tickled our funny bones in ways they haven't been tickled in a long time. Nazi's living on the Moon in a Swastika-shaped colony? Sarah Palin as president, with an Oval office filled with moose and bear taxidermy? A horrifying super-powerful German weapon powered by a smartphone? All that and more.

If I were to travel further back in time, I'd tell you about my youth group's wonderful weekend camp out at Sugar Bottom. But I don't have time right now, so that will just have to wait.