Canoes and Root Beer

Edit: I tried to make a quick recap of this weekend's events, but it has sprawled into two vast topics that deserve their own separate post. Alas, I'm too lazy to separate them now, so be warned, this is a long-winded report. This post has also developed into a giant thread of photos. If your internet connection is less-than-speedy, go get yourself some popcorn and a comfortable chair. Okay.

Last year, I joined the Kids Club canoe trip down the Iowa River. Several male leaders and I took some of the oldest boys and spent a day out in the sun, paddling down the Iowa river. It was a great trip, but I told myself I would NOT do it again because of how ridiculously exhausting it was. We spent half of last year's trip dragging the canoes over sandbars and obstructions, thanks to the intense drought Iowa experienced.

My brain obviously decided to misplace all the memories of that trip when I signed up to go again this year. Instead of a one-day trip, we went two days and slept a night out on a sandbar.

This year, we had six leaders, six youth, and six canoes laden with sleeping bags, snacks, drinks, and meals.

 Malik and Jaylen, goofing around before we left the Hills river access.

The weather was spectacular. I made sure to apply suntan lotion to myself because my brain allowed me to remember that I burned my kneecaps last year.

Jaylen was in my canoe, and we had a lot of fun. He's a good paddler, but he liked to visit the banks of the river much like a ping-pong ball in a blender. I had to keep a steady hand on my paddle to navigate us through the rocks and brambles strewn everywhere.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Why is Matthew lounging around and making T'Kius do all the work?!" Well that's a good question. I was a model example for hard work and dedication...

Sometime Saturday afternoon, we stopped at a sandbar to snack and rest our arms by...swimming? It turned out to be a fantastic idea. We felt refreshed after splashing around for 30 minutes and then were on our way. The river was far kinder to us this year, and although there were still shallow spots that required getting out of the canoe and pulling, we experienced far fewer hangups in comparison with last year's trip.

Jaylen is a rabble-rouser, but God worked in both of us during the trip. I wasn't necessarily looking forward to being stuck with a kid in a tippy metal container for two days, but he made the trip really enjoyable.

T'Kius, showing off the biceps he earned through vigorous canoe paddling. This is the sandbar we camped the night on. It was the size of Rhode Island, which had benefits. Hauling everything 300 yards from the canoes to the camping spot was not one of them.

We found stuff that has possibly never been discovered by mankind, so we called it "narky". Stretches of the river are lined with rubber tires, a huge environmental project that went horribly wrong and strew tires through the river. (Which has actually spawned environmental projects of its own) This bacteria/fungus grows inside the submerged tires. It was cold and incredibly slimy, with the consistency of jello and the faint stench of raw sewage. We had a lot of fun throwing it at each other, until I found tiny little red worms wiggling around inside it, at which I instantly dropped all the narky, disinfected my hands, and considered burning the entire bank of tires.

Remove the marshmallows from the blazing hot stick before eating them? Ain't nobody got time for that! Especially Daquan.

Darryl packed several incredible meals. For Sunday breakfast, we had scrambled eggs (pictured), bacon, hash browns, sausage, and orange juice. 

T'Kius introduced me to Jolly Rancher pop. How did I not know of its existence?! He wouldn't let me try any though. It is evidently too delicious to share.

As it got dark on the sandbar, the kids became restless and agitated. They started fighting and kicking sand and causing all sorts of confusion, so we staff began to pray for God's peace to flood their hearts. The boys decided to run to the canoes and try to escape with them, until they realized how a) heavy the canoes are without the leaders helping and b) how much work it is to paddle a 12' canoe alone. We kept praying for God to visit our sandbar and defeat the spiritual enemies fighting us, as well as the physical enemies. A thick, heavy cloud of mosquitoes rushed out of the woods to devour us. We were getting eaten alive, even though we had a fresh application of Bug Soother, pretty much the best bug spray ever invented. Since this bug spray never fails to send bugs high-tailing it in retreat, I recognized that there was a spiritual facet to their attack. We continued to pray and hide in our sleeping bags, and eventually the kids returned and began to sing Kum Ba Yah quietly around the campfire. I was shocked. I should have expected to see God work in their hearts, after all we were praying for it! But to see the complete change was astonishing. I asked them if they knew what "Kum Ba Yah" means. When they shrugged, I told them it means "Come by here" and it's a song asking God to visit us. Darryl sat them down and had a discussion on the Spirits of Darkness and of Light. Although my prayers didn't quite stop the insect horde, there was a definite slack in the intensity of their attacks.

We went to sleep, but I was restless. Nothing was comfortable, I was itchy and sandy and tired and wide awake all at once, so I took a walk by the river and talked with God for a while. It was a beautiful night with thousands of stars visible, and the weather had cooled nicely.

After I returned to the camp, I stayed up for a while and stoked the fire. Earlier in the evening when the kids had been making Mountain Pies, I wasn't hungry. But now my walk had given me quite the appetite so I sat down and made one. I buttered two pieces of gluten-free bread and placed them inside the pie clamps. Then I placed cherry pie filling inside the pieces of bread and roasted it over the coals. I had great hopes for the snack, and when it came out golden and crispy and oozing hot cherry filling, I couldn't wait to dive in. I waited though, because the sandwich was hot enough to melt a hole in my Styrofoam plate. I bit into it once it had cooled a fraction and received a great disappointment: it tasted like a grilled cheese sandwich, except without delicious cheese and with a lot more cherry. I ate the rest of the sandwich but it needed something. What that something was, I couldn't place. Whipped cream? Ice cream? Less sand, perhaps?

Sunday morning we ate and had a worship service on the sandbar, and Darryl gave a message about Game Changing Moments in History. He started with accounts of incredible sports plays that the boys were familiar with, and then moved into the story of David and Goliath. The Israelites were psychologically defeated by the fearsome Goliath until David killed him. At that game-changing moment, the Israelites regained their chutzpah and routed the Philistines.

We packed up, shipped out, stopped for another 1-hour swimming break at the midway point. Along the trip, we saw several bald eagles soaring over the river. I had hoped that they would come swooping down and snatch up a naughty child some fish but they kept their distance from our noisy bunch. While paddling, I began to notice the angry red bumps on my feet, arms, and legs from all the mosquitoes in the night. I estimated that I had north of 40 bites. BUT my knees were only the tiniest bit burnt, unlike poor Jonathan and Sam, who had knees the color of a freshly-painted fire hydrant.

Around 4pm Sunday afternoon, we arrived at the pickup location near Columbus Junction. We had journeyed 24 miles by river in two days, averaging 2mph. The kids commented several times that it would be nice to have a motor boat. "Posh!" I replied. "Paddling builds character AND muscle!" But after 12 hours of it, I was secretly wishing I was had packed along an Evinrude outboard motor.

The six leaders from left to right: Shawn, Wendell, Darryl, Sam, Jonathan, and Matthew.
The six youth from left to right: Jaylen, Dijon, Daquan, Devion, Malik, and T'Kius. 

A pickup with the canoe trailer and one of the Kids Club vans met us at the rendezvous. The van was not prepared for 12 exhausted canoeists and all their gear, and it let us know so by leaking all the air out of its left rear tire. We put on the spare, which (unknown to us) was also flat. So Pickup-driver Darrin ran and filled the spare with air, and we were soon on our way back home.

I got back home and sat in the shower for a good, long soak. Then I responded to the texts and calls I had missed during the trip, since the staff decided not to take phones along. My manfriends wanted to host their long-planned Root Beer Tasting at my place. I told them to come right on over. I wasn't planning to drive anywhere.

"Root beer tasting, wot? Whatever do you mean, old chap?" you would ask, if you were British.

Jordan and Tyler had a dream. A dream where all root beer varieties would be assembled and tasted, judged by their flavor, aftertaste, and emblem art. Brooks, Jordan, Harlan, Christian, Kendal, and myself gathered 37 distinct varieties and began the difficult judging process. Before we cracked open the bottles, Kendal made a fantastic chip dip and cleaned my kitchen. I promptly told him he could visit anytime.

"Thirty Seven varieties?! Surely you jest, old boy."

I don't jest in the slightest! Here are the titles, listed alphabetically, separated by periods.

A&W.  AJ Stephan's.  Always Ask for Avery's.  Baumeister's.  Berghoff.  Boylan.  Blumer's.  Capone.  Dad's.  Dog n Suds.  Frostie.  Frostop.  Goose Island.  Gray's.  Great Dane.  Hansen's (Diet).  IBC.  JC Gray.  Jack Black's.  Jackson Hole.  Jones.  Kutztown.  Mason's.  Millstream.  Mug.  Old Faithful.  Point.  Rat Bastard.  Sam's Choice.  Sea Dog.  Sioux City (Diet).  Sparky's.  Sprecher.  Stewart's.  Triple XXX.  Virgil's.  Zevia.

(Interestingly, the Last was definitely the Least. Despite being brightly packaged and filled with Stevia, Zevia was abominable.)

Various tiny drinking vessels and shot glasses were procured, and we all would taste together and then discuss the flavor and aftertaste. Between flavors, the guys ate a cracker to clean their palate. I ate tortilla chips.

Only a handful of these drinks were sugar free, so I was given smaller portions than the others. But as the taste-testing progressed and the mixture of root beers started causing toxic results, everyone quickly adopted Shawn-sized portions.

 We had to take a break around flavor #20. The combination of so many rooted drinks was causing great distress in our stomachs. Poor Kendal politely excused himself from the table, walked outside, and threw up. We began to question if we were drinking ROOT beer or the real thing. The things we do for Science. Initially we thought that 37 varieties was not NEAR enough to do justice to the vast world of Root Beer, but after we started, we were extremely grateful that we did not have more.

 Although Jordan originally wanted a blind taste test with silent votes, we decided to make it more of a review panel. We conversed about the flavors after each test. Each of us had our own individual tastes, which became obvious as we agreed and disagreed on the varieties. But several flavors were downright delicious on all accounts. Here is a sampling of the notes:

Boylans: Very unique. Perhaps the yucca extract?
Dad's: Worst? Tastes like soap.
Goose Island: "Tastes like mouthwash." -Kendal. Top 5?
Great Dane's: Unique aftertaste, in a good way.
Zevia: "Worse than Dad's." "Like burning diarrhea from a buffalo"
Virgil's: Brooks loves it, everyone else dislikes.
Point: Smooth. Chemically?
Sam's Choice: Best-tasting cheap root beer.
Sprechers: Smooth and creamy, no aftertaste.
Capone: VERY sharp. Canned farts?
Sparky's: Root beer hard candies, in a bottle.
Rat Bastard: Uh, spunky?
Sioux City Sarsaparilla: Best diet Root Beer tested.
Millstream: Good vanilla taste, top contender.
Frosty: Aftertaste dies on tongue?
Mason's: Punch to the tonsils.
AJ Stephans: Entirely different than all the other root beers, alright.
"They all taste the same to me." -Christian.

We narrowed it down to the top seven flavors, pictured above. This photo was taken just after the final round of testing, before the scores were calculated. Therefore, they are not in any particular order. From left to right, Frostop, Goose Island, Sprecher, Great Dane, Baumeister's, Jackson Hole, and Millstream. From there, we wrote down our votes for the top three. Each 3rd place nomination received 1 point, 2nd received 2, and 1st received 3.

In 7th place with 0 points, Jackson Hole. (It's very good stuff, but wasn't quite as tasty as the others)
Millstream and Baumeister tied for 5th with 2 points.
Goose Island received 4 points, giving it 4th place.
3rd place was given to Sprecher, with 9 points.
Frostop earned second place with 12 points. Frostop was my personal favorite.
First place was awarded to Great Dane, which earned 13 points. Overall, a delicious, delicious flavor that we couldn't argue about.

The contest was very close and the results surprised Jordan and Tyler, who thought Great Dane was going to completely plaster the competition.



Afterward, we all laid down in the living room and recuperated for a while. I iced my shoulders, which were starting to ache from all the paddling.

Nothing feels quite so wonderful as your own bed after a long week, so after we finished watching the Count of Monte Cristo, I conked out around 2am. What would have been fitful sleep caused by the dread of work in the morning, I slept like a little old lady until 10am.

Thank you, Lord, for Labor Day.