So Long, Mr. Beard

A few months ago, I was given the opportunity to own a pagona. A man was in need of more living room space, and he had a terrarium loaded with sand, heat lamps, special accessories, and an adult pagona.

Of course everyone knows what a pagona is, right? No? Perhaps you know them by their non-scientific classification: the bearded dragon. 

Still no? Well neither did I, but Google told me it was a fairly unique lizard that made a good house pet, so I ran over to the man's house and snatched him up. 

He was much larger than I expected, but also much nicer. "Oh yeah. He'll sit in my lap and watch movies with me." Said the man, who also offered to give me a Russian tortoise, if I was interested. 

The Man With All the Reptiles gave me an extensive list of care instructions for the bearded dragon and helped me lift the terrarium into my car. "His name is "Stripe". The previous owners named him that, I think." The Man With All the Reptiles said. I wasn't about to leave such a magnificent creature stuck with such a lame name, so I immediately changed it to Mr. Beard. The man gave me a basket of live crickets and some mealworms to give to Mr. Beard as a snack and wished me luck. 

I established Mr. Beard at my place. His terrarium took up my entire kitchen island, but who needs countertop for food preparation when you have an exotic lizard!? 

Mr. Beard and I had a lot of fun together, but it was quickly evident that he was much higher maintenance than I prefer in a pet. Specific temperatures, various vegetables and proteins and calcium supplements and special sand... All this while I was beginning to realize I liked having my kitchen island for food preparation. So with great reluctance, I decided to sell him. A couple of friends showed interest, and my mom said "before you sell him, please let your brother Shaylon have him for a week." So Mr. Beard traveled to my parents' homestead. My brother Shane had not seen Mr. Beard yet but it was love at first sight. I ended up selling Mr. Beard to Shane for $30. Shane called him "Spyro" after a fictional dragon in a video game series. I opted to call him "Mr. Spyro Beard, or Mr. Beard for short."

I would visit Mr. Beard at my parents home each day when I went to work. It was the very best of setups: Shane cared for him and fed him and cleaned his cage, and I got to occasionally hold him and scratch his chin the way he liked it. (Mr. Beard, not Shane.) 

But as time drew on, mom grew weary of the reptile in her dining room. She vowed it would not stay much longer. Dad would mutter words about "that hideous lizard" but he liked showing it to guests and enjoyed using Mr. Beard as a conversation starter. I could see the writing on the wall...once upon a time I rescued an adult salamander and took it home. Mom decided that "salamander" sounded an awful lot like "salmonella" so she took the beautiful adult salamander to the pet store when I wasn't looking. I feared a similar fate would befall Mr. Beard. "Shane, you better sell that guy on craigslist before mom does something rash." I whispered to Shane one afternoon. 

Sure enough, mom became too impatient to wait a day longer and decided that it was time for Mr. Beard to travel to the pet store. She loaded him up and roared away, but not before I took a few photos with the guy. 

Meanwhile, Shane had actually taken my advice and posted a listing on craigslist. Fully-grown pagonas can fetch quite a high price, especially when they come with a furnished terrarium. Shane got an email from a woman offering to purchase Mr. Beard for his asking price of $100, since the market value on these (if you happen to be in a reptile-friendly market) is upwards of $200. Ecstatic, Shane ran home only to discover Mr. Beard had vanished. When he discovered what had happened, Shane called the pet store immediately to ask for his very own pet to be returned. "We apologize, but we don't allow returns." The pet store explained. "We do allow adoptions into loving homes, for the low adoption fee of $200, though." Those clever goons hadn't paid mom a single cent for Mr. Beard, and they were aiming to make maximum profits. 

Mom paid Shane $40, so he still made a little money on the whole operation. I just chuckled. When mom wants something done, she becomes a force of nature that can't wait 24 hours for results. 

As for myself, I still own a pet rat. Domestic rats are far less maintenance than lizards, which suits my hectic schedule just fine. 

Perhaps it was all for the best. I never mentioned to mom that Mr. Beard was given to the Man With All the Reptiles because he had caused some type of terrible allergic reaction to the previous owner. (The one that called him Stripe) I couldn't have mom reinforcing "salamanders equal salmonella, lizards equal leprosy" rumors. 

So long, Mr. Beard. It was fun while it lasted.