Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Letter to Taco Bell



There was a time in the History of Shawn that Taco Bell was a welcome port in a hunger storm.  When the distant rumblings of an empty stomach crashed over the landscape, Taco Bell was a sure-fire way to stave off the munchies.

That all came to a sudden halt when I realized there were trace amounts of gluten in everything I had previously thought was Shawn-Friendly was indeed NOT Shawn-Friendly.  As I have stated in posts past, there are only two food types in the world: Shawn-Friendly and Wheat Sauce. 


I searched for images of "wheat sauce" and this is what the internet has returned to me.

The food at Taco Bell, to my shock and surprise, fell firmly in the latter category, despite their motto "Think Outside the Bun®" practically screeching Shawn-Friendliness!


Yeah, seasoned alright. Seasoned with WHEAT.

I recently read that the Taco Bell corporation does some pretty awesome things.  When a prankster gave false hopes to a town in Alaska about getting a fast-food restaurant, Taco Bell air-shipped 10,000 tacos to the town, free of charge. Screw you, prankster! For reals, you can read about that awesomely heroic Taco-splosion right here: http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jul/03/business/la-fi-mo-taco-bell-alaska-20120703

I decided that I could possibly sway the Taco Bell executives to send some love my way in the form of Shawn-Friendly tacos. Without any more laborious prologue, here's a copy of my handwritten letter to Taco Bell, headquartered at 1 Glen Bell Way, Irvine CA.

Dearest Taco Bell,

My name is Shawn Graber. At age 9, I was diagnosed with Celiac, that is, gluten intolerance.  Alas, my weakness can be found in tacos.  I cannot resist those crunchy, zesty, cheesy, munchy piles of Mexican cuisine.  Unbeknownst to me, those delicious little slices of Heaven had hidden amounts of "wheat sauce" in them.  I would leave your fine establishments with a stomach ache but think nothing of it, deducing that my aforementioned aches were due to my indulgence in vast quantities of taco-ey goodness.  I discovered the wheaty ingredients in your corn shells, your taco meat, and your irresistibly tasty potato bites while I was doing some research on the ingredients of your then-brand-new Frutista Freezes.  To my delight, I found that your refreshing Frutista Freezes are Shawn-Friendly, but to my dismay, I found every other menu item that I loved contained wheat sauce. (You see, there are only 2 types of food in this world: Shawn-Friendly and Wheat Sauce.)

That dreadful discovery was a few years ago, and since then I've abstained from Taco Bell food.  Over time, my squelched passions for your amazing food have built up inside me until I can no longer be silent.  This brings me to my heartfelt plea: would you be able to create a Shawn-Friendly taco?  It would be fairly simple.  I can have all vegetables and dairy, so lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions, peppers...these are fine.  I can have meat, provided it isn't thickened with oats.  I can have corn shells, provided they are not thickened with oatey filler.

I understand this is a large request, but I would be MOST grateful!  I would purchase any gluten-free offering you sell.  Also, the gluten-free community (2,000,000+) would be grateful as well.

I'm not asking for an entire menu overhaul, just a taco that I can munch without unpleasant side-effects.  I'd be more than willing to spend my hard-earned money on a few dozen.

Sincerely,

Shawn Graber

Hardly a week passed from sending my letter on its merry way, when I received a reply from the offices of Taco Bell. Upon official Taco Bell stationary, their response read:

July 25, 2012

Dear Mr. Graber:

On behalf of Taco Bell Corp. ("Taco Bell"), I want to thank you for your interest in our Company and for taking the time and effort to suggest and idea.

We have, however, adopted a general policy of not accepting unsolicited ideas and suggestions.  While we regularly receive many unsolicited suggestions concerning our advertising, products, processes, and a wide range of other subjects, experience has shown that most of the unsolicited ideas we receive have already been considered or used by Taco Bell or its competitors.  Also, experience has proven that the practice of considering unsolicited suggestions can give rise to misunderstandings as to the origin and ownership of the particular ideas which may be contained in such materials.

In keeping with this policy, we are unable to pursue unsolicited suggestions, and have not retained any copies of your letter, and enclose your submitted materials herein.  May I express our appreciation for your interest in our company and sincerely thank you for taking the time to write, by enclosing a "Taco Bell Gift Check" for your use.

Very truly yours,
BJJ/cs (Some scribbly official-looking signature)
Legal Department

Enclosures

(Enclosed with the letter was my original handwritten letter, along with a $5 Taco Bell Bucks voucher.)

First I laughed at the irony of getting sent money to a restaurant that can offer me nothing but fruity slushies.  Then I sat back and admired Taco Bell for running a successful business whilst (or because of) still maintaining professionalism and courtesy.  Sure, I want me some tacos, but there are other places I can get them.  It's pretty difficult to find Wheat Sauce in authentic Mexican food (besides their flour tortillas, of course).

I traded the $5 voucher to my brother Shane for the purchase of fast-food at a restaurant that is more Shawn-Friendly, but looking back I feel like I should have framed the $5 voucher, along with the letters.

If you are a homeless beggar that has access to stationary and stamps, you can send unsolicited suggestions to Taco Bell and receive $5 toward their restaurants (along with a nicely worded denial to your idea)! I wouldn't advise this because you would most likely starve in the week-long waiting time it would take to get the voucher.  If you DO send a letter, get a voucher, and visit a Taco Bell restaurant, make sure to ask the cashier if they have any Gluten Free menu items.
Worth mentioning is that although I pulled "2,000,000+ gluten-free community members" out of a foggy bank of dim recollection (where most of my exaggerations come from), I was pleasantly surprised/totally not surprised at all that my claim was backed up by the Celiac Disease Foundation. http://www.celiac.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=186%3Aone-of-every-100-us-whites-has-celiac-disease&catid=7%3Anews-a-events&Itemid=64

Lately I've been ending my blogs with a question. I'm in no mood to rock the boat tonight, so I'll continue the trend.

If you, dear reader, suddenly found out that you were unable to eat at a fast food restaurant (or if you did, you would come down with warts or leprosy or elephant-shaped bruises in conspicuous places), which restaurant would you miss the most? If you're brave enough to reply, you might as well give us a reason why you'd miss it the most and/or your favorite menu item at that establishment.

2 comments:

  1. McDonalds. I absolutely love their double cheeseburgers. Why? They're cheap, they're cheesy, and, once again, they're CHEAP! :)
    I know this is a really old post, but I discovered your blog through your comment on another blog and have been reading through all of your posts.
    Your writing is awesome! I couldn't stop laughing as I read the post about your name.
    I noticed that your last post was in September, so I don't know if you're still using this blog. I sure hope you continue writing, though!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the comment, Gabrielle! I still use this blog, although I've been busy lately and haven't posted. It's an ongoing trend, I'm afraid. My posts arrive between vast stretches of bloggery silence.

    ReplyDelete